Monday, November 28, 2011

Among the Broken Pieces.

I've been working in the ER for about a month now. This morning I woke up and realized I need to document these moments so that I don't forget them some where along the way.

What a unbelievably life altering experience if I would only let it be. It's amazing to me how hard it is to LET IT BE. To let life be the growth that it should, especially when it hurts, when it doesn't feel right. I could go into detail about every broken life, mangled body I've seen but I don't know if that's the point. It's this feeling I get when I'm there. This overwhelming sense of helplessness mixed with gratitude. People continue to tell me that I need to learn healthy detachment. Granted I know where they are coming from. They want me to be able to do this job and not lose my sanity. They are coming from a place of love for me but I can't help but wonder if we've all done a little too much detaching? Look at the world around us. Others suffer while we eat three meals a day, have shelter, health, family, and yet we are so unaware of their pain. So detached. I'm beginning to wonder if the meaning of life is learning to attach and grow. To find balance between the suffering around us and the joy within.

The mourning, the elderly, the poor, my neighbors.
These are the people my Father has called me to love and yet it takes everything within me to do so.

Furthermore, I've learned through this job that modern healthcare is NOT the field I am to work in. People walk through the door with Taco Bell, complaining of chest pain. Go out to smoke while they wait to be seen for respiratory problems. Is no one seeing a pattern here? Others come to the ER for dental pain, heart burn? The uninsured, the uneducated, we have lost the ability to know and take care of our own bodies. I hear time and again of people expressing the idea that their current issues just happened to them. Are we really just victims of our health? We take no responsibility for the current state of our bodies.

I want to farm. I want to cook. I want to feed people.

I want to learn. I want to educate others.

I am so thankful for health, for my family, for my friends.
Good food, education, opportunities, a cup of coffee on a cold morning.

So many things we have been blessed with.
I am thankful for the scales removed for me to see them.

May we be the hope, the change, the light among the wreckage.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Long Time

      I woke up early this morning to the sound of birds chirping and crisp air. Irritated, I got up, closed my window, and jumped back in my warm bed. How often do I see these little blessings all around me as curses? Over the past couple days I've noticed a pattern. I love to the sweat the small things. It leaves my soul feeling aged, like a gaping wound that simply will not heal.

     As a child, I held my hands wide open to the gifts of the moment. One of my earliest memories is that of sitting on the counter, eating a spoon full of peanut butter. It's odd but I remember that moment so peacefully, regardless of the chaos that surrounded me in that house. Now, I clinch my fists and pass moments as mere inconveniences to my own plans. My life often feels like a mask I've stretched over my face. A mask to be appealing to others, protect myself or to hide from myself. The expectations, guilt, disappointment. How long will it take for me to embrace my life as it has been given? Bask in the early mornings of Fall. Receive the pain as a blessing. See the ones I love for what they are & cherish that, instead of cursing them for what they can never be. I find refuge in the words of Wendell Berry,

"It is to be broken. It is to be torn open.
It is not to be reached and come to rest in ever.
I turn against you, I break from you, I turn to you.
We hurt, and are hurt,and have each other for healing.
It is healing, It is never whole."

A thought that continues to come to mind.
The Baggage, I will help you unpack it,
But only when you're ready.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Times They Are Changin'

So it’s been awhile since I’ve posted. I feel like I haven’t able to post simply because I haven’t been able to put all these new thoughts and ideas into words. I hadn’t dug deep enough into myself to figure all of this out. Not that I have it all figured out at this point but I’ve found some clarity. This semester I knew was going to be good but I think it’s actually better than I expect.

Currently, I’m trying to get an internship with the AMAZING rehab center here in Searcy that focuses on alcoholism (cross your fingers)

As of today, I will have finished my detox!! 2 months!!! This is like the best feeling I’ve ever had. I’ve never felt so healthy and good in my life. It literally changed my taste buds, probably the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I feel like a changed person

I joined a gym!! It’s awesome! I started a yoga class Tuesdays and Thursdays at 6:00am. I felt like everyone I know was doing yoga so clearly that meant I had to try it haha PLUS after reading I REALLY had to do it :]

I dyed my hair blonde! I needed a change in my hair to represent the change in my life. Y’all know how I feel about my hair so it’s good. I really like it. It feels fresh and new.

I started reading this book called One Thousand Gifts.
There is no way for me to type all the ways this book is changing my life.
It feels like in another life I am this woman. Some of the stuff she writes I swear I wrote down somewhere.
It is so good.

So far since January, the topic that has continued to be brought up to me either by teachers in class or books has been attitude. Learning how to choose your attitude instead of letting your environment. I know this sounds so corny but I feel like my whole life I’ve been a victim to circumstances. Obviously, I was too young then and hadn’t been given the tools to process my world differently but now that I’m older and I do have more say in my life I feel convicted to live differently.

I feel like for the first time ever I’m actually living my life. I’m making choices and not just saying what I hate or what I want to change but actually, changing.
Well I guess that’s all for now.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Pardon My French

I will just never understand why Harding feels the need to call themselves a “Christian” University. Today I sat in my business class. Long story short, my teacher is a smart ass. So to get the class to talk he decided to make outlandish comments. The outlandish comments he chose were about women working. How they were irrational and not needed. Of course, at a certain point I couldn’t keep my mouth shut so I responded to the irrational statement saying, “And men aren’t?” He replied back, “Finally someone irrationally speaking back.”
So I ask myself, “WHAT THE HELL!?”
I don’t deserve that and neither does any of the other women who just sat there and took it from this man! We have worth and contribute to society just like any other man. All those girls awkwardly smiled and giggled. WHY! It’s not funny. It was insulting to sit there and watch all these 20 some year old men laughing and agreeing with the teacher.
Next thing we start talking about…
To summarize his opinion, “It is ridiculous that we pay people 7.25 an hour to have no skill what so ever. I could pay my 8 year old half that and he could do just as good of a job. These types of jobs are just supposed to be incentive  to gain skills and get better jobs. This is why we have to go overseas because people there are more than happy to work for 38 cents an hour. To them that is enough money to put food on the table and a roof over their heads.”

Again, I say to myself, “WHAT THE HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I’m getting more and more angry as this stupid witty upper middle class white man gives this IGNORANT statement to which he feels sooooo entitled to. I was completely enraged! How in the world could he really believe what he just said?

I wanted to scream
WAKE UP WOMEN! You are more  than a piece of ass looking for a man with a fat paycheck to live “comfortably”

Then I go to my Healthcare Management class. We watch the documentary Sicko. If you haven’t seen it you should definitely watch it. It makes me want to start so many nonprofit clinics for people!

It’s ridiculous you guys! Completely ridiculous! We are all human beings! We have rights that go beyond a constitution or some bullshit law. This is about rights to life! Rights to quality life! Not because they are legal citizens or whether or not they have insurance. This about being a HUMAN BEING!!!!  

Let’s wake up! Wake up! These are real people! Real lives that are being devalued and destroyed for the bottom line! What are we doing to ourselves!  

At what expense I ask? How much will it cost for us to open our eyes to the truth? How many children must die? How many women must be abused? How many sweat shops will it take?

It’s crap. It’s all crap. I can hardly breathe when I think of the madness. The madness that we have created!


If you can’t for the people across the world.
Atleast feel for your neighbors if nothing else.
We are all in this together.
We all have the same heart beating inside our chests.
Regardless of race, gender, age, status, income.

None of it matters.
At the end of it all.
When everything is ripped away,
All we have is each other.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The First

So here I am, finally starting a blog. I’ve been talking about it forever and now here it is! Where to begin…. I guess I could just start with my recent commitments I’ve made for the new year. I’ve been struggling a lot these past few years with body image and starting to develop self. At the end of the day I always end up with everything I don’t like about myself. Where does that leave me? I’m still me and I haven’t changed anything. So what to do with myself? I’ve recently started the HCG diet, which a lot of people think is stupid or ineffective and honestly, even at the end of this diet if I gained all the weight back it would be worth it. I’ve learned more about myself and my horrid, toxic relationship with food in the past week than I ever knew.
Hear me out,
I’m not saying toxic or horrid in the sense of “I never want to eat again” I’m saying that in the sense of how much I’ve depended on food as an outlet. As well as how litte self control I have with what kinds of foods I’m eating. I’ve learned VERY quickly how addicted to sugars and processed foods I am. It’s hard when you grow up with certain foods not to continue eating them, but I’m not going to keep those habits. Food is a beautiful thing. I LOVE to cook it. However, too much or too little of it (which has been my life story) can be a horrid thing. So far, I’ve lost 9 lbs. I’ve also noticed how much less I’m starting to crave sugars and bread. My skin has started to clear and my moods have been pretty consistent. It’s amazing how much can be contributed to what we eat. I won’t lie, I started this diet with the intention of just losing weight but it’s become a way to rest my digestive tract (which I’ve been killing for years) and reinvent the way I see food.
Also, I’m only taking 3 classes this semester. I’ve decided it’s time for me to do some resting. I’ve been running so fast I can’t seem to find myself or what I want a degree in. Sort of late in the game I know but better now than never right? I’m going to start cooking more and saving for something special. I’m not sure what yet but we’ll see. I just know I’m sick of my money going to things that don’t matter. Clothes, fast food, unnecessary spending, blah blah blah. I want to make memories! Isn’t that what life is about?
Well I guess that’s all for now.
I’ll post more later and hopefully eventually I’ll post some cooking!